Love is blindness

Love is blindness,

I don’t wanna see

Won’t you wrap the night Around me

Oh, my heart

Love is blindness.
I’m in a parked car

On a crowded street,

And I see my love

Made complete.

The thread is ripping

The knot is slipping.

Love is blindness.
Love is clockworks,

And it’s cold steel

Fingers too numb to feel

Squeeze the handle

Blow out the candle

Blindness…

Love is blindness

I don’t wanna see

Won’t you wrap the night  Around me

Oh my love

Blindness…

A little death

Without mourning

No call

No Warning

Baby, a dangerous idea…

Almost makes…sense
 Love is blindness!

                                                       U2 Lyrics

Advertisements

Lone battles

image

“You’re a really shy and quiet girl, do you ever talk?” he asked.

The annoyance had to have shown on my face, because it was certainly boiling inside of me.

From my dark blood, to my even darker heart.

Countless times I’ve been told this. And it burns the insides of my body.
I guess it was delivered as a compliment. But really it was a slap in the face…
A reminder that I was constantly singled out for whichever  reason. If it wasn’t my mum explaining to the class teacher in pre school  that the reason I wasn’t passing was because I was withdrawn and never asked questions in class, it was other kids making fun of my “awkward” jokes…
It was my sister getting her way more because she was more “aggressive”…

It was a random guy apparently drawing me out of my shell…

Throughout my life I’ve had to deal with this deep rooted anger brought about by most people always assuming that I am this shy, socially awkward girl simply because I didn’t, and still don’t talk to every tom dick and harry I meet.
I hate to admit it…to even think about it…
Maybe I am shy…Maybe I am much more quiet than the rest..but so what?!

It has affected a great deal of my life as a whole . I’ve found myself talking too much where I shouldn’t have, and bleeding inside when I could’ve just talked to someone. I’ve done things… dark scarring things that could have probably  been avoided…But…
It just sucks when you keep wanting  to talk about something that bothers you but you feel like you’ve already talked about it so many times so you just  hold it in.

Bad ass

image

Yesterday I was talking to my mum on the phone and she was complaining about the baby of the family and how she, my sister, was driving her crazy.

According to mum, my sister no longer listened to her and she  in turn had resigned herself to giving her whatever she wanted.

I couldn’t help but admire my little sister in that moment.

Growing up, my case was the complete opposite. Mum and dad were always, and I mean ALWAYS, right and woe to me if I dared go against any of their wishes.
I remember the very first time I stood up to them.

I was in the third form in high school and had been sent home for allegedly participating in a students strike to  avoid taking the mocks exams.
The suspension lasted two long weeks during which my parents heaped loads of hurtful words, all aimed at reminding me of what a dissapointment I was to them.

I couldn’t wait to get back to school.

Infact, it was the only time I had looked forward to it.

So there I was, in the principal’s office explaining that I had nothing to do with the strike and that mine had been an unfortunate case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.Ofcourse the Lady was having none of it and kept saying I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing like all the rest and if I was to be allowed back in that school, I had to repeat the class.

I looked over at my parents for help…but they just sat there nodding their heads likes extras in a puppet show.

In that moment i felt like a tiny worm in the middle of a burning forest. They were wrong…all of them! 
I had done nothing wrong and they were punishing me for telling them the truth. I stood there and watched as my dad rose to shake the headteacher’s hand and seal my fate.
I felt the hot bitter tears stinging the back of my eyes. I willed myself not to cry.
I remember the words forming in my mind, but I didn’t realize I actually said them out loud. 

I was not going to repeat class!

I was not a below average student! 

I deserved to be heard!

I would drop out of school first before repeating that class!

Well, to cut a long story short, I did get to move on to the fourth form the following year.
Don’t get me wrong, I still scrubbed pavements as a punishment for a week, but that look of utter disbelief on my parents face was a delicious moment that I will take with me to the grave.

Without Title

image

I constantly think about you…

I see you in my mind

Oh..how I love to love you!

Sometimes you’re a clear rain drop…so refreshing to my soul..

But other times you’re this dark cloud…

Dangerously hovering around me…

Threatening to pour and wash away all my joy and happiness

Sometimes i believe you…

Other times I struggle to find the truth in the lies

Like a rainbow many colours I have…

some brighter than the rest…but equally important for my head’s rest

I seek to unravel the mystery that is you…the intense meaning of your actions
The deep ache with which I need you…
Maybe then, only then…will my soulful heart heal.

Guilty(?) Pleasures

image

“You need a lot of growing up to do”,
he said, looking straight into her eyes; as if looking to scorch their insides.

“Do you get that?” 

“Yeah…I’m really sorry this got to you. It shouldn’t…” came the timid reply.

“You’re right, it shouldn’t have gotten to me, but it did.”

Walking hastily through the corridors of my workplace late the other morning, I happened to eavesdrop to a bit of this conversation.

Imagine my shock when I turned the corner and was able to put the faces to the voices.

There she was, *Carol, leaning against the wall with her head bent, like a cornered cockroach ready to creep into the nearest crack and hide.
What I  would have done to capture that moment and replay it anytime she walked past me!

Why?

I recented her dearly, that’s why.

She had been a bitch to me since the very first day I had walked through the office doors as a newbie.
She was swift to comment about my poorly, or shitty, as she called it, done script.
Always the first to whisper God knows what to a fellow collegue when I passed by and an erruption of giggles would ensue.
A lot of other petty things too I would rather have you guess.

But at that moment I basked in the glorious joy of her misery. I was totally happy.

Maybe because the guy doing the chiding wasn’t particularly bad-looking, or simply because I am evil like that.

Guilty pleasures.

They’re the kind that bring you a conciderable amount of joy and satisfaction, but also those you’d renounce in a heart beat if anyone as much as associated you with them.
Like while manually removing nail polish with your nails because one of your ten polished nails is chipped,  and you get a deep satisfaction from removing a huge peel off with one scratch…it’s just an out of this world feeling.

We often like to judge our level of success compared to that of our friends and peers.

I know I do.

You’ll  agree with me, in your heart if not literally, that it doesn’t hurt to find out that the high school bully who made sure you had no social life in school is currently in a contest for the world’s greatest loser.  The years did them no good.

It’s a wide range this one. Full of all sorts of weird behaviors, acts or indulges.

Things we really shouldn’t enjoy, but enjoy them anyway.

What’s yours?

Dancing in nothing but your underwear to Justin  beiber’s never say never?

Or is it your filthiest, most psychotic  erotic  fantasy? The one that’s either too dark, too dirty, or too illegal to mention?

Don’t worry.
Everyone has one.

Uncertain

image

WE DO NOT FEAR THE UNKNOWN.WE FEAR WHAT WE THINK WE KNOW ABOUT THE UNKNOWN.
        ~TEAL SWAN~

There are moments when I go blank in the head…thinking, wondering,  hoping. Hours when I just roll around in bed and feel sad and alone…
I think about the past and hate that it was once an uncertain future. Full of all possibilities but only the bad ones sort of stuck with me.
And i think about the present. My current joys, sorrows and fears. Will I one day in the future remember this present  as an ugly memory?
Sometimes  when I think back about the past I see things that I should have worked on but didn’t.
Things that ultimately led to failure, hurt and dissapointment. “I saw it coming”…I tell myself. “And I did nothing”
At that particular moment, minutes stretch into hours, so lone.

Time extends So painfully slow…

In sensing trouble once more. In  noticing the small, painful familiar  signs…

Will I lose myself Like I always do and put God on a shelf?
Will I end up beaten and broken down in a dark corner?   

Will I?

No, not this time.
I am certain I’ve changed. But what if I am wrong again?
What if I fall down? what if I’m right,and  tomorrow is just like yesterday?

Walls

image

I wish…
I say this two words probably much more than any other. Much more than I say “shit”, and for people who know me, that’s alot.

The other day  I was hanging out with friends at work and I  remember wishing desperately that I could get a chance to write a certain story that another work mate was working on.
There were other stories yeah, infact better stories when I  think about it now but I was just obsessed with that one.

WHY?

To kind of go through life not caring is a spectacular attribute. It’s one I wish I had.
But no!
I care. I need. I hurt. I love.
And wishing something is sometimes so painful…especially when you know that the one thing you’d like to be certain about, is never going to happen.

You wish that friend(s) you have wouldn’t treat you so badly…boom! Weekend comes and you’re left out of the plan… Again!

You wish that boy you like/love would like you back..or even acknowledge your existence…Nope! He’s so busy asking you to help him “score” with that other girl you hang out with, not realizing how deeply wounding that is to you.

You wish you were more successful in your career…Afterall, you’ve dreamed about it for the better part of your life…Joke’s on you! You’re close to forty years of age and are yet to make your first big break.
You wish your boyfriend /girlfriend was more proud of you and of your relationship. That maybe he’d show you off more often and wash away some of your many insecurities…Hell to the no! That has never crossed his mind. Infact, catch him/her dead talking about you with anyone.

Wish, after wish, after wish.  wishes…
 
Always there, at the back of your mind. Haunting.

Every human walks around with a certain kind of sadness. They may not wear it on their sleeves, but it’s there if you look deep
~ Taraji P. Henson

What a friend is

image

You’ve probably told someone who likes you that you just want to

“be friends”

Why does friendship always have to be given as a consolation prize?

Friends are your support network. People who know, and have probably encounterd ugly truths about you and still think the world of you.

Now I may not know all the truths about what a perfect friend is or should be, because I know I’m not. Infact I  may have fallen short a couple of times.
What I do know however, is that a friend shouldn’t do certain things… awful things…
For instance, in my experience, a friend  shouldn’t

Take from you without giving back.

You deserve to be around people who genuinely make you smile… I know I  do.
I don’t exactly expect everyone to be forthcoming, or fall for my “irresistible”  charm,  or even not take me for granted.
I’ve been down this road.
And people I trusted have either greatly let me down, manipulated me or even simply stopped caring for one reason or another.
All i had to do though, was distance myself abit and think.

Unfortunately, most often than not it did confirm my  fears or concerns.

A friend too, also doesn’t  burden you with stressful promises and obligations.
I mean, you should want to help, but not be burdened with the thought that if you don’t you’re a terrible person.
A true friend will make room for you in their lives.
They will notice you’re absence and include you in their plans.

A friend,

shouldn’t  make you feel like they have all the answers either.
I am guilty of this one. I honestly think its the main reason I lack good friends. I am the friend who has everything going on for her. No stress, perfect  love life, not broke, I mean…
I have everything  “figured out. ”
Sadly, I am drowning in misery most of the time.
I spend a whole day laughing harder than the rest only to go back to my bed and cry myself to sleep.

A true friend  people,  is one who owns your troubles and tears, and shows up for your joys and smiles too. You may have people in your lives who would take a bullet for you and you might not even notice. Ever.
Take time and go through your friends list once more.
Are those on your phone’s quick dial the one’s who
trully know you, or the ones you wish were/feel better calling them your friends?

UNDELIVERED.

image

Dearest…
I love you. Really, I do. Infact you been my best bud since i can remember. We’ve been to hell and back. Oh, we had our fair share of glory n princess treatment moments and they were quite something. But here’s the deal…

I don’t like you anymore.

I don’t know what went wrong- oh hold on,, I KNOW what went wrong, I just didn’t wanna admit it. You see, I’m a cautious being…If it doesn’t have 100% chance of all positive and clever and sweet written all over it, I don’t  want none of it. You well know that.

but no…

You just had to blind side me into every little murky ground you could find and push me down so i could drown.

You lying vindictive bastard! I should’ve  known.

I had hobbies. That i cared much about. But i am kind too. And open to new ventures and risks. You made the choices, and I always paid the price. Still am. It’ll get better I always said.
Joke’s on me.
I don’t know  when you became my only friend.
The only one who gets me, is always there for me and doesn’t judge.

The only single being i trusted with my insecurities
And secrets… and i gotplenty of secrets.
You used to hide them well for me. 

But lately, its like you changed overnight. You’ve become a jealous, boring, lazy and possesive being.

I can’t  go out no more…
I can’t make friends no more…
I can’t confide to no one but you no more…

Hell i can’t even hold on to my old friends!  I doubt they still even consider me as their friend  anyway.

I’m constantly in pain around you. I can’t breathe… and yet  I can’t seem to bring myself around to dropping you.
There’s much more I’d love to add… but i bet you know everything so, I’ll  just cut to the chase.
I want my life back!
I want my energy  back!
Hell i want my damn whole self back! And you, you my friend can burn in hell for all i care!

Signed, sincerely
Myself.